A message to an idiot (ie myself)

Hi there. It's been a while. How are you? Great sounds really interesting. Let's move on.

I was a complete idiot as a child. Speaking as a slightly order and less pre-pubescent child I can confirm that a serious amount of idiocy occurred when I was at a blissful time before voice cracks and copious amounts of leg hair decided to show up. I can recount many stories where I ate sand, called my teacher 'mum' (the embarrassing part was that it was a male teacher) and swore on the school website. I was a terror. But this, although horrendously embarrassing, is actually fairly standard. Everyone has those embarrassing stories that crop up every time a friend comes round to your house of the photo albums come out, which seems to be surprisingly often in my household unfortunately. But what is also sadly common is that feeling of regret as you emerge from childhood, a carefree and playful time that you wished away in the quest for adulthood.

I had a great childhood. I loved school (I think, I can't really remember) I had great friends who I saw often, my family and I went on holidays to France, Scotland, Canada you name it and we had a pretty good house. But I very distinctly remember wishing it all away and not realising what I had whilst I still had it. Now, obviously, it's a bit difficult to be a self-aware 8 year old who has a concept of mortality and what-not, but I do know that as a child I was always looking up. When I saw teenagers swaggering around the streets in the 2000s fashions (ie baggy jeans and an ill-fitting slightly hipsterish jacket) I longed to be them. See, I always thought that I was more mature than I was. When talking to adults I imagined myself on the sam level as them and thought I could keep up with their running commentary about the world. When Obama was first elected in 2008 I was so excited to go into and discuss American politics with them, without every fully understanding Obama's policies, his political leanings or even the full gravity of his election success. When I saw these teens I saw them stepping into adulthood and seeing the 20 year olds running around frantically chasing any new opportunity coming their way I was mesmerised by their lifestyle. But boy did I make wrong assumptions. I had absolutely NO idea about the stresses that they would have been under with GCSEs, A Levels, University, taxes, jobs, mortgages and all the rest. I had this image of adulthood just being a grown-up version of childhood, where things just sort of happened. Your dinner miraculously appeared as it always had (thanks parents) my clothes were always clean (again, thanks parents) and I didn't have to worry about money (I went to a primary school, but I'm not going to thank the state if that's ok, I'm not the biggest Blair fan).

I therefore think that I made a mistake in my image of the world. I wished away my childhood and did not appreciate everything that was given to me. Now, I'm 5 months away from turning 18, I'm 8 months away from leaving home and very soon I'll be buying my own flat, getting my own job and studying. Don't get me wrong, that is such an exciting prospect and I am ready to move on. But all my years at secondary school have gone. The joys of performing in the Christmas Concert, gone. The first time you walk into a classroom and meet a new teacher, gone. Spending frees with friends eating doughnuts and watching cat videos, gone. All of these fantastic memories are just that, memories, and I will never get to experience them again. When these events were happening, I was likely wishing for my bed to arrive, to go home and read a book or sit in my room doing very little. Instead, I should have been actively enjoying the moment.

Here's another thing that I have noticed. Do you remember all the times that your parents used to say "why don't you read a book?" "Why don't you go outside and play?" "Why don't you go practice your music?". I do. I used to get really annoyed as I was trapped in my bubble of sitting and thinking about very little. But now, I have SO much motivation to go and do things! I read a lot more than I used to, I practice music and want to learn new instruments and have looked into investing in a cello. I even want to go out and play, which I have to admit I have been to the park several times this year with my friends, but not to be loitering youths no we went to play on the swings. THAT is what childhood is. That irresistible urge to go and be active, to play, to sing, to dance the night away whilst in your pyjamas. I am so glad that I have not lost that urge yet and I hope that mixing that with my want to travel will lead to some incredible memories. But I wish that I had recognised this amazing urge sooner rather than later. It saddens me to thing of wasted afternoons spent with Percy Jackson and the Greek Gods rather than my friends. It saddens me to think of the cello that I could have picked up when I was 10, but decided against it because I couldn't be bothered. It even saddens me to think of the times where I COULD just sit still and think. I'm too busy for that now I'm either rushing off to work, doing homework, doing consolidation, seeing friends, getting exercise of trawling through UCAS hoping for some glimpse into my future prospects. But I never just stop. I never think. And if there is one thing I regret most from my childhood, it is not appreciating the ease of it all. I cannot recall a time when I was not under stress from work, but I know that it was there and was as recent as year 11 because (apologies to any GCSE people out there) GCSEs were not stressful. In fact I floated through my GCSEs without giving too much thought to them. I wish I had appreciated how great that was. A feeling of weightlessness. Of freedom. I haven't had that for a long time.

SOOOOOOO I guess the message here is appreciate everything. Every single moment is a memory and you will remember them. So it is up to you whether that memory is a wasted one, or a happy one. But, it is also up to you to incorporate mindfulness into your memories. The moments of serenity and peace are crucial to a happy life. Take advantage of every moment and cherish everyone you meet. Life is like a box of chocolates...I'm sure you know the rest of this tremendously overused quote.